More Things the Bible Doesn't Say (Part 2 of 2)

This week is a continuation of last week's blog post, "Things the Bible Doesn't Say." If laughter is the best medicine, it might not hurt to laugh at ourselves a little. To clarify a couple questions I got last week, the verses in parentheses say the opposite of the verse written here. Enjoy! 

"Love your enemies, except the President." (Matthew 5:44) 

"Don't think about sex. Don't write about sex. Don't tell single people that sex will be great. Make your children afraid of sex." (Song of Songs)

"All Christians should marry, just as Adam and Eve married; remaining single is a sign of weakness and ineffectuality in the church. However, these marriages should only be between soulmates, that one perfect person God has destined for you. Celibacy is impossible." (1 Corinthians 7:7-10)

"Be warned: pastor's kids will have bad reputations, as they are destined to do. This is a sign that their parents have dedicated an adequate amount of time to the service of God." (1 Timothy 3:4-5)

"Pick up your minor inconveniences and follow Me; don't worry, the way is air-conditioned and mostly downhill." (Matthew 16:24)

"The world will hate you unless you look and act like Me, in which case, they will think you're just dandy."  (John 15:18)

"Doing the right thing will feel good, and you will certainly feel God's presence when you are sacrificing the most." (Matthew 27:46)

"You can make up for entertaining nasty thoughts by wearing shirts with puns about God." (Matthew 23:25) 

"Conversion only counts if you go to the front, cry, and get prayed for by the senior pastor." (Luke 18:13)

Comments? Thoughts? Let me hear 'em!

DISCLAIMER: A slightly different blog was planned for this week, but never fear: "Things the Bible Actually Says For Real" (it's a working title) is forthcoming!